Lilly Pierce’s Letter to Dillon
Hello, my name is Lilly Pierce. I am Jacque Pierce’s mother. I’m sharing with you all today a letter that I wrote her father a few years after he left. It was the last time I cried over Dillon. The last time I let that love hurt me. I never sent him the letter. But writing it helped me heal. I don’t know if anyone can understand what it’s like to love a Canis lupis and know you could never be their mate, but I don’t recommend it.
This is a letter I will never send you, and yet I feel I need to write it. Maybe just to get it off my chest, or maybe because I feel like if I put on paper then I can move on, move forward with me life.
Our daughter is 3 this year. I named her Jacque, after your grandmother. She has your eyes and your beautiful red hair. I wish you could know her, more than that, I wish she could know you.
I have to be honest here Dillon, I’m struggling. I know that I chose us. Even though I knew you would probably leave one day. So I understand that this suffering, this broken heart is of my own making. But honestly I want to be mad at you. I have no right to be. I guess you could say I’m in one of those life isn’t fair places right now. It’s late as I write this. Everyone in my part of the world is asleep. And yet here I site thinking of what I wish could have been. I want to stand up and shake my fist at the world and say why? Why did I fall in love with the one man I could never truly have. I don’t doubt that you loved me as much as you could, but man it sucks that it wasn’t enough. Now another holds your heart in a way I never will, and was never able to.
Will that happen to Jacque? Will she have a perfect mate out there because of the blood that runs in her veins? Part of me wishes that for her. To know that there is a man out there who will love her, protect her, die for her and live for her no matter what. But another part of me hates the possibility of her falling in love with a human, only to then rip his heart out and in turn her own, when her true mate finds her.
I dreamed of you last night. I dreamed about our first date. You were so cocky, so sure of yourself. And yet I held your attention as if I was the only person on earth. We talked for hours that night. About nothing and everything. I knew there was something different about you, something wild and untamed. I remember when you took me home you touched my face gently with the back of your fingers and you said, ‘if fate gave me a choice, I would chose you’. I didn’t understand what you were saying then. I didn’t understand the significance or the honor in those words.
I miss you. I miss the sound of your laugh. Your pessimistic nature. I miss the way you smell. I miss the way you cocked your eyebrow at me when you were letting me know you thought I was full of it.
I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced a broken heart. But I just want to scream. Some nights I feel like I’m suffocating, like every breath I take without you is torture. But that’s what’s left when the one you love so completely is taken from you.
I have to say goodbye. I don’t want to, but your memory is killing me. Knowing that you are with your mate, the woman who has the other half of your soul- it’s ripping a hole inside me and I’m afraid if I don’t figure out a way to let you go that hole will be there for the rest of my life. I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t trade the time we had for anything. And I am so thankful for our daughter. But for my sake and hopefully for Jacque’s sake you have to be dead to me. You will be a distant memory, a dream that never really happened. I love you Dillon Jacobs. I hope that you are happy, that your life is filled with joy. Mine is. I know I can’t lay claim to your heart. But I know that at one time I held your heart, at one time you looked upon me with wonder. I see proof of that every day in the red headed little beauty who blesses me with her life.
Thank you for that. Fate took you from me. But fate gave me Jacque and so I can never regret the broken heart I have had to deal with. I’m letting go now. I’m letting go and I’m choosing to smile again, laugh again and live again. So goodbye Dillon. I realize now that I can say that because although I love you, I miss you, I don’t need you. I can and will be happy again because I have that choice.